Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Geoff Skins Game - Registration

Registration is now open for the Geoff Skins Game on Saturday, June 16th. It's a little bit different with more money on the line... but it should be easy for the high-handicappers to win some cash.

Post a comment if you're playing.

Also... we basically have two spots left for the Kickoff Open. All you lurkers should get off your ass and come hang out with us.

And nobody has said anything about a practice round THIS Sunday, so nothing is booked yet.

Monday, May 28, 2012

DPT Tour is Near...

Only about 1.5 more weeks of practice until the Tour kicks off. Almost the entire field was able to play Stoneybrook today, which was very difficult but in great shape (especially for $20).

I was able to use the rounds to test and tweak the scorecard, which will be linked to all the results pages.

I've also updated the handicaps (except the Brown people whose official USGA handicap comes out on the 1st). Of course, this means I'm assuming nobody is going to play before Friday. You'll notice some have increased as more rounds are posted. Remember... the most accurate handicaps have 20 rounds of data. Anything less uses a schedule to throw out most of the rounds.

So hit the range this week. I can book a tee time on Sunday at Summerfield since most of us have vouchers... but we can't play before 10am. Let me know if anyone wants to do that.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The storied history of The Conjecture Cup is sullied, becomes Cup O’ Lies.

Bito's commentary in Italics. Lies are underlined. Chandler drowns in Bosom Rain

1 - Bito wakes up from his nightly slumber with an itch on his ass that he can't scratch. He feels disrespected.
My original intent had nothing to do with any sort of Conjecture Cup. I merely inquired about making the season tournament a longer ordeal, lasting from Friday – Sunday.  I wanted to do this because Heather is going out of town and I want to make the most of it.

Bito: What is stopping us from doing an individual golf tourney? or what are the challenges?
Chandler: your astronomical handicap, other than that... nothing.
Bito: im not the worst in the league
Chandler: thats untested
Right about now, Conjecture is cumming into the proverbial vagina of Cup
Bito: that is why I want to have an individual tourney. i want to put this nonsense to bed

2- So he amends his original statement and eventually proclaims he could beat four people in our league with no handicaps.

Bito: alright
one day event
all ten people
straight up
i'd finish 8th or higher
my goal would be 6th.
$25 (had to lower since you think it will get so much action)

I guaranteed that I would finish 8th or higher with a goal of 6th. Not a proclamation of 6th, a goal. As for the coming down on the original $50 bet, Chandler had me convinced that everyone would take that. I thought maybe 4 or 5 people would take a $50. So I lowered it in case all 10 people took it. But it looks like I was closer to being correct about the amount of takers. Almost NO action! Everyone has excuses! Everyone has conjectures!

3- On the first tee box, Bito asks Geoff how many strokes were being given... which is silly since the entire conjecture is that Bito isn't the worst golfer. So why would he get strokes? He then suggests they should play for $5 instead of $25, but ultimately agrees to $10.

Here is what really transpired for people who want to read a 30 second fact filled synopsis. If you are like Geoff and need a painstakingly detailed recreation. Skip to the next paragraph. 
Bito: Chandler, how much are we betting?
Chandler: Geoff and I are doing $5
Bito: That is it? Lets do $15.
Chandler: I feel bad, $5
Bito: Fine.
Bito: Geoff, how much are we betting? $5?
Geoff: Straight up?
Bito: Do you *want* to give me strokes?
Of course I am going to ask if he wants to give me strokes. I would be stupid not to. This ISN'T The Conjecture Cup
Geoff: No
Bito: $10
Geoff: Ok
Once again this isn’t the Conjecture Cup, why would anyone assume that I would bet $25?

______Are they really THAT different?______

Here is what really transpired (In painstaking detail for Geoff)....

Scene 1 - Chandler picks up Bito in golf cart. They discuss the upcoming round as they journey to the 1st tee box, where Geoff and Random Dude (Hence referred to as RD) are already standing, stretching, Geoff making racial jokes, etc. 
Bito: Chandler, how much are we betting?
Chandler: Geoff and I are doing $5
Bito: That is it? Lets do $15.
Chandler: I feel bad, $5
Bito: Fine.
Bito exits cart 

Scene 2 - Geoff, RD, and Bito are now standing on the tee box. 
Bito: Geoff, how much are we betting? $5?
Geoff: I thought you wanted to bet $25
Bito: No. I thought you were betting Chandler $5. So lets do that. 
Not The Conjecture Cup 
Geoff: Are we betting straight up?
Bito: Do you *want* to give me strokes?
Of course I am going to ask if he wants to give me strokes. I would be stupid not to. This ISN'T The Conjecture Cup
Geoff: No, why would I give you strokes? You are 'better than me'. You should be giving me the strokes! 
Bito: I dunno, just thought I would throw that out there. 
Geoff: Are we betting or what? 
Chandler: Why don't you split it and go $10? 
Bito: Yeah that sounds good. Geoff, straight up for $10? 
Geoff: Ok
Once again this isn’t The Conjecture Cup, why would anyone assume that I would bet $25?

The original Conjecture Cup offer still stands… But since it has been up for nearly a month and only Geoff, Chandler, and Gomez, have actually agreed to it. One can only assume that everyone else is too much of a pussy. 

DPT Tour - Kickoff Open

Registration is now open for Week 1 of the new DPT Tour.

Kickoff Open

Since this is an "open," anyone is allowed to play. But you must have an approved DPT handicap in order to compete for points and money. If you've played recently send me your scores to help establish one sooner!

Date: Saturday, June 9th
Time: Hopefully around 10am, but we'll see
Course: Looking at Stoneybrook in Bradenton. I plan on playing there this weekend to check out the course and conditions.
Price: Around $25
Entry Fee: $5 (waived for those not playing for money)

Comment if you're IN and check the roster to see the competitors and expected payouts. All sheets will be updated as we get closer to the event and finalize tee times.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Conjecture This - Bito Reinforces Stereotypes

A massacre happened on Sunday, May 20th. It's a day we should never forget. Justin is making hemp bracelets to memorialize the event.

After scheduling issues have postponed the Conjecture Cup (ie: Bito's crusade against the world's perception), a minor skirmish broke out at the dilapidated (1) Quail Hollow Golf Course. It wasn't quite the over-produced tournament to crown DPT's "worst golfer," but it did give us a chance to verify our speculations.

Here's a brief history of Ryan ZamBonaparte:  

Thursday, April 26th 2012 - The Declaration
Bito wakes up from his nightly slumber with an itch on his ass that he can't scratch. He feels disrespected. The DPT Golf League apparently thinks he's the worst golfer in all the lands. They say he rides the coat tails of GoMex (who is a direct descendent of Antonio López de Santa Anna). They say he uses the "foot wedge." They say if he played his own ball he'd never break 100.

But Bito sees a different picture. He knows his chips are crisp, and his putts are straight. He knows his team uses 38.3% (repeating, of course) of his shots in scrambles. Bito believes he is not only the most improved golfer in the galaxy, but also more skilled than the hacks in the DPT-o-Sphere. The time to attack is now!

He begins by telling me we need to set up an individual tournament which uses pre-determined handicaps. Bito is willing to bet $50 against any takers that he won't finish "in the bottom two." That bet was basically bullshit since the purpose of handicaps are to level the playing field. His chances of not finishing near the bottom are just as high as the best player in the league.

So he amends his original statement and eventually proclaims he could beat four people in our league with no handicaps. I suggest going out and creating an official documentary of the event with rules officials and funny commentary. Suddenly, the Conjecture Cup was born.

The C.C. Plot Thickens, Then Fizzles
Filming one group is infinitely easier than dealing with a full-scale tournament, so I ask Bito to call out three people he can beat straight-up. His choices: Geoff, Gorecki and E-Flo (although he did mention Buchanan and Reid). He also lowered his $50 per person bet to $25 due to the high volume of takers. Fair enough.

Predictably, E-Flo isn't available until 2015 and Gorecki is moving "any day now" to Atlanta (2), so the one hour special I envisioned rapidly fell apart. Also, the upcoming DPT Tour removes all doubt since Bito will have many opportunities to go head-to-head with various opponents for less money. We needed to settle this dispute quickly. Last Sunday seemed perfect with Geoff, Bito and Gorecki able to tee it up. Until Gorecki backed out at the last minute, per the usual.

The Quail Hollow Massacre
So we're left with Bito vs. Geoff vs. Chandler.

On the first tee box, Bito asks Geoff how many strokes were being given... which is silly since the entire conjecture is that Bito isn't the worst golfer. So why would he get strokes? He then suggests they should play for $5 instead of $25, but ultimately agrees to $10.

I tell Bito he can have 8.5 strokes from me (0.5 more than Geoff was getting). Bito giddily exclaims we should bet $50 since he'll kill me with that many strokes. But I tell him we're only going to play for $5 because I didn't want to steal money from his baby. Don't ever think I lack a gentle heart.

 The scorecard:

So there you have it. I'm not sure what we accomplished without Gorecki and E-Flo. And I hope to still produce a Conjecture Cup documentary later this summer. But in the meantime, Bito knows where he needs to improve and everyone else knows what they need to shoot.

I'm going to go shower myself with Bito's money... just like a gentle Bosom Rain.


(1) We played Quail Hollow in Season 2 of our league on April 15th and the course was in decent shape. Just over one month later... they've lost almost all their greens. The putting surfaces are lacking grass in most spots, and the dirt that remains feels like concrete. I've never seen greens die this quickly, and I won't be playing QH for quite some time.

(2) Gorecki has been permanently moving to Atlanta since November of 2011. Not since the promised return of Christ has something been talked about so much without any actual happenings.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

DPT Golf Season 3

Now that Season Two is over... we're starting up Season Three immediately. And we're changing to stroke play!

Season One was pretty decent, with good participation allowing us to accurately match-up teams of various skill. We were able to play a bunch of different courses (with a two-day tournament) for less than the cost of one season at TBCS.

Season Two sucked a fat dick. Apathy and forfeits made the whole thing pointless. There was no competitive spirit, and all but two teams acted like showing up was a chore instead of a fun time out with the guys. As I complained to co-founder Geoff regarding the incessant whining about tee times, greens fees, availability, locations, handicaps, etc... it dawned on me that we didn't really need anyone else to accomplish our goal.

We started the league because 1) we love the game 2) we wanted to play more in the hopes of getting better and 3) we wanted fair competition. It was assumed that our friends (who always said they should play more golf) would be just as passionate about forming and growing the league. But because we didn't charge anyone a shit-load of money upfront, there was no incentive to show up and play. Our mistake.

So we're changing the format to an individual stroke-play tour. Every man for himself. If you want to play in a tournament, sign up. If you'd rather go to Comic-Con, whatever. If you don't like the course, tee time, date or price... skip it. The people who play most often will have the best shot at winning money and prizes. Everyone else can show up when the mood strikes them and attempt to win a few bucks. Best of all... I don't have to spend any time sending e-mails or trying to accommodate schedules. It's all set in stone, and it's all on the blog.


The season will be 11 weeks long, playing most weekends. There will be a post on this blog each week discussing the upcoming tournament and registration deadline. All tee times will be cost-conscious, and therefore probably around noon. In order to play in a tournament, you must meet all the requirements of the event AND register at least one week in advance (as in... post a comment so a spot will be reserved for you).

Spots are first come, first served. If you are the 5th, 9th, 13th, or 17th player... you need to find at least one more person before the deadline. You're more than welcome to sign up for a tournament weeks in advance.

Since the dates are already set, put it on your calendar. We might swap a Saturday for a Sunday (and vice/versa) if there's something big going on.

Individual handicaps will be kept using the official USGA calculation. You must have a handicap in order to participate in a tournament for money and points. We'll keep all the data for you on this website. In fact, we're keeping enough data to become an official USGA club if we ever decide to apply. If you don't have a handicap, you can play as an amateur in order to obtain the minimum number of rounds needed to establish a handicap (five). If you ever play outside of the league, you can email me your scores (by hole) and the course information in order to obtain a handicap sooner.

Point System
Whoever finishes the season with the most DPT Points will be champion. It works just like (and is modeled after) the FedEx Cup system. You can play sporadically and win the title if you win tournaments. Or you can play a lot and slowly build up a high point total. Ties (even 1st place) are split, just like in the PGA.

Money Payouts
Every tournament will have a $5 entry fee ($10 for Majors). Payouts will depend on how many people are entered. Each group will also gamble $1 on a designated long drive hole, and $1 on each of the par 3s. Eagles get an extra dollar from every competitor. Any score 10+ over par (net) owes the group a pitcher of beer after the round.

While the money list is interesting, it doesn't affect the standings. We just want to keep track who is winning and losing money throughout our season. Amateurs are NOT eligible to win prize money, but they can participate in long drive and par 3 payouts. Ties (even 1st place) are split, just like in the PGA.

Tournament Formats
All tournaments will be stroke-play using DPT handicaps. However, there will be special tournaments hosted by members of this league. As of now we've involuntarily signed up people to host. The host has a limited ability to choose the date, course, tee time and tees for their event. If they have a good theme idea, I'm also open to discuss it. If the host doesn't want to be bothered, we'll still play the tournament and say they're the host. It's almost funnier that way.

Current "special" tournaments include:
Geoff Skins Game - Instead of normal payouts, the money will go to the winner of skins.
Robb's Early Bird Classic - Teeing off at the crack of dawn.
Chandler Heritage - An exclusive event. No amateurs allowed!
E-Flo's Hangover Invitational - This is probably my favorite one. Go read it.
Gorecki's Par 3 Shootout - Played at an executive course.
Reid's Jamaican Open - At a course with a ton of water. It reminds him of home.

There are also three Majors. Each one has a unique participation requirement and will be held at a nicer (and slightly more expensive) course. The entry fee is $10, so the payouts will be larger.

Playing Rules

Obviously we're going to play the game according to the USGA. If you hit a ball out of bounds, you need to hit another one with penalty from the same spot. If a ball is in a bush and you can't hit it, you need to take a drop with penalty for an unplayable lie. Each player is in charge of enforcing rules on themselves and on their playing partners. If you cheat, you get kicked out. If you constantly have trouble tallying up your correct score, you get kicked out. If you're a douche, you get kicked out. If you fail to pay your bets, you get kicked out.

This is a small-money gambling league. Go to the ATM before the round. No excuses or IOUs. If you rack up debt, we'll just quit including you.

The max you can take on a hole is double-par... which we're only enforcing to help speed up the game.


That's all you need to know. Tournament dates, handicaps, scoring history and player profiles are already active on the blog. First week is June 9th... go ahead and let me know if you're playing.