2020 Rapture Dates

Does anyone who is actually going to qualify in the top 16 spots have an issue with the following weekends?

September 18th - 20th

September 25th - 27th

Now... before you Gator fans tell me about a home game vs. South Alabama and/or an away game vs. Tennessee...

And before you FSU fans tell me that you're going to be relevant with a home game against Samford and an away game vs. Boise State...

Let me remind you that I'm not scheduling around college football, beyond starting my search for houses during those dud weekend match-ups. Especially with the entire upcoming season in doubt.

The amount I care about any of you skipping because of college football, is the same amount Adam cares about Gary making a putt to possibly WIN THE CHAMPIONSHIP:

I care... this much.

So if you have any issues with the dates, put them in the comments and I will judge you accordingly.

Week 2 - RSVP

Crum and Hamilton are taking Buchert and Katie's spots. That gives us two spots open, with two members undecided.

At this point, those spots are going to be first come, first served... and I think Brendan needed one of them? Better get on it boys! Make your needs and desires known in the comments!

Week 1 - Summer 2020 Recap

What if I told you...

A man spent the majority of his life attempting to step out of the shadow cast by his adoptive father, only to be routinely pulled back into the safety of an aging paternal bosom?

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While the Carter Administration was dealing with with the Iran Hostage Crisis, a lesser known hostage situation was forming in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. There, twin brothers were born to members of the Ho-Chunk Nation.

Understanding that names could drastically affect individual futures, their father — Chief Joseph — wanted them be more relatable to the settlement of white man slowly encroaching the reservation. So he named them both "Michael," adding the suffix of "Ho" and "Chunk" to preserve their heritage.

Michael-Ho was a quirky child, fond of eating highly-corrosive poisonous plants that stunted his growth. It would be discovered later that his favorite blend of cow parsnip and wood nettles also caused him to age at a much slower rate than his brother.

Michael-Chunk, on the other hand, developed a devastatingly bad case of infant-osteoporosis (his condition would later inspire the movie "Benjamin Button"). Unable to partake in most tribe activities due to his brittle bones, "Chunk" (as he was ironically referred to) spent his days stumbling around the reservation, swiping at rocks with a stick. He invented a game where he would see how many times he could hit a rock before it eventually — and almost always accidentally — found its way into a gopher hole.

He would recall in his memoir, written at age 15:

"The more hits, the better! I was really good at my game. Nobody knew what I was doing, but I discovered if my stick hit the ground before it hit the rock, the rock wouldn't go very far. I called it 'The Chunk Shot.' I loved watching the rock barely move, safe from ever rolling into a gopher hole. I hate holes."

Life for both Michaels seemed routine, until the day forever referred to by Chief Joseph's family as "Serendipitous Sunday."

While slapping his rocks into a stream ("Water good, holes bad!" according to the rules of his game), Michael-Chunk encountered a white man who lived in the nearby woods. The man was a loner, actively dodging any and all American drafts. It was an obsession for the man, who became addicted to draft-evasion when he successfully avoided the Frano-Prussian War of 1870. Over time, his hatred of drafts evolved. He especially disliked the NBA draft, and its nonsensical lottery system that rewards late-season tanking. The Ho-Chunk Nation knew of this man, and simply referred to him as "Darryl."

Darryl — ever the opportunist — realized that if he had a son of his own, he could share the special memories of his past life, while making new special memories in the future. Perhaps, rinsing rocks in streams and lakes would be special? The young native boy seemed to enjoy it. Darryl decided it was time to permanently move out of the woods, and he was going to do so with a son. Even if that son wasn't his, and physically looked the same age as Darryl (albeit much smaller).

So Darryl kidnapped little Michael-Chunk.

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Chief Joseph was devastated for a few days. But he called off the search party once he realized how much money he was saving with one less mouth to feed. Not to mention the annoyance of having to find new rocks for Chunk to hit after losing his previous batch to the stream.

Joseph was also very close to saving enough cash to purchase his first casino. Chunks disappearance was the first domino to fall in realizing his dreams. With a newfound excitement and determination, Joseph sold his other son, Michael-Ho, to a traveling veterinary clinic which was headed to Florida. He was never heard from again.

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Despite losing contact with his biological family, Michael-Chunk was seemingly unaffected by the change in lifestyle. He was considered unproductive and weak by his former tribe, but now found himself looked upon as an "elder" in the world of the white man. Everywhere he went he was given discounts. Men in town, who were the same age as Michael, dropped what they were doing to help him cross the street.

Michael began to feel like he was the most important human on the planet. A feeling confirmed when he was legally adopted by Darryl, and his suffix was replaced with the surname "Gorecki" — which loosely translates to "Only Person that Matters."

Upon learning of Michael's favorite stick-rock game, Darryl introduced him to the game of golf. But Michael had a difficult time adjusting to the rules. Mainly, he struggled with the idea you wanted the ball to go in the hole in the fewest possible strokes. It just didn't seem natural. But he loved his new father, and desperately wanted to impress him.

For the next 50-60 years (official records are unclear how old Michael and Darryl actually are), the son attempted to beat his father on the links. Darryl tried his best to give Michael swing tips. He even explained that you could always fluff up the lie to make the ball easier to hit. Or maybe move your ball closer to the hole with your thumb when you are marking it on the green.

But Darryl failed to impart the most crucial advice in the game of golf: "hit the ball before you hit the ground." And Mike's struggles continued.

That is... until one sunny day in 2012 at Legacy Golf Club in Lakewood Ranch. Standing over a 4 foot, slightly downhill putt, Mike had a chance to beat Darryl — for the first time ever.

He was a nervous wreck, and it didn't help that Geoff was so bored from watching slow-play he unconsciously kept shaking the flagstick, forcing Mike to back off the ball and restart his routine:

Stare at the ground as if you are reading the break. Extend the arms. Jerk the shaft a few times. Look up to the sky... and then the hole... and then the ground again... my god, I really hate holes. What if this putt goes in? Will my dad love me more? Or less? Would it be better to tie? Why are there four people standing in the fairway with their hands on their hips? That's a very odd pre-shot routine. Jerk the shaft one more time. Stand over the ball. Stare at it. Quickly glance at the hole again. Fucking holes. They're everywhere and this ball shouldn't have to go into one. Start the backstroke... QUICK STABBY FOLLOW THROUGH!

And the ball rolled into the hole. Mike had finally beaten his dad, with a score of 100 to 101.

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The victory was bittersweet. It took half a century to accomplish the feat, but even Michael knew winning with a triple-digit score wasn't "good." Nevertheless, he allowed Chandler to put the scorecard on his fridge, hoping his wife would see it and forgive him for smoking cigars in the house while she was out of town (she didn't).

An urban legend was formed which said Michael never again defeated his dad on the golf course. Through our extensive research, we were able to compare every round from both players recorded by the prestigious Fort Brooke Golfers Club:

The floodgate of victories never opened up for Michael, but it's at least a Urinary Incontinence level of success. Slowly, and randomly, leaking out over time. Darryl will always be the superior Gorecki. Michael will never surpass his dad in golfing ability.

And yet... this is the man who beat all of us (net) on Sunday at Countryside.

See you all next week.

Week 2 - RSVP

Week 2 is Fathers Day.

We currently have 20 spots booked, with 16 people marked as IN. We also have a couple of guests that want to play.

So... update your RSVPs so Gary can attempt to book a 6th tee time (if needed). Any ???s will be booted from the event if we aren't able to secure another time.

Week 1 - Skins Game Analysis

A reminder that the Skins portion is per your group. It's $1 per skin with carryover, and anything tied after 18 reverts to whoever won the FIRST skin of the day.

Countryside has three nines, so the FRONT nine are the odd handicapped holes, and the BACK nine will be the evens. The most anyone is getting in a group is 5, so it shouldn't be that difficult to dot your cards. The 80% handicap allowance numbers can be found on the detailed scorecard on this blog (look at the bottom right where it says "Net").

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We've played this routing of Countryside three times in club history. Adjusted for the new course handicap formula, the winning score has been -2, -4, and -2. Not necessarily a easy fun course. Let's say that a net of 69 (nice!) is going to be the magic number.

Mike Ho had a victory and 2nd place finish in the first two events. But then he shot a 95 (net!) our last time out there, so it's difficult to pick him to win. If he does, he can now easily tell us all about it through group-text!

Melberg needs a 76 from the Blue tees, and Chandler a 78 from the White tees to shoot -3 (net)... so we're out. That course isn't going to give up any sub-80s. Avoiding Pitcher Zone will be my main focus.

Gorecki only needs to shoot a 98 — which you'd think would make him the favorite — but his three rounds out there were 109, 110, and 106. He won't be a threat as long as Brendan keeps an eye on Mike's ball fluffing and limits the gimmies.

So who do I like to be near the top? I'll give you three names:

1) Katie - I believe she married her golf instructor, so her game could be pretty strong. The few scores she's reported lately have been really good, and she only needs a 95 to finish -3 (net).

2) Geoff - Also needs a 95 to finish -3 (net). Somehow, he's never played an official event at Countryside. I've found it can be easy to go low on courses you haven't seen.

3) Reid - Anything below 86 might get him the victory. He's gone 87, 89, 97 out there... so the trend isn't good. He usually blows-up early at Countryside, so making no worse than a bogey on the first three holes is key.

The rest of you will probably all owe pitchers. See you out there.

The "New" Week 1

We're booked at Countryside (Lake/Pine) at 9:00am next Sunday, June 14th. Rate should be $45. Casey says there might not be a cart girl depending on how busy the tee sheet is. But the bar and restaurant will be open at 10am, so we can get food after the round and drinks at the turn.

Greens were punched last week, so expect them to be a little bumpy. Any sanding they did would have been washed out with all the rain this weekend... which would delay the healing process.

Our season schedule has been tweaked and updated. You'll need to edit your RSVP to add the new final week.

No random pairings this week, as we'll form groups for Skins Games based on handicaps.

Everyone is on the WHITE tees, unless you tell me you'd like to move back. Do that in those comments below!

Week 1 Cancelled

Casey is going to try to get us on Countryside next week. Will post when we have details.

How to Win a Championship

It's been over a year and a half since we added a new member to the Club. So as our only 4x Champion, here are my keys to victory which might help Melberg this season... or any of you other fools who can't seem to force your way into the Champions Dinner.

Hey... you get the #content you deserve when I'm the only one making posts!

1. Start Your Own League - This is the easiest path to victory. Just take the 6 or so shitty golfers you hang out with, and put together a season. Only pick courses you excel at, and be sure to make rules that will give you an unfair, but undetectable, advantage. You'll be sitting alone at the Champions Dinner before you know it.
2. Show Up - You can't rack up points if you don't play. With only 18 official events per year, you should set the expectations with the WAGs early (and re-calibrate often). But don't think missing a tournament (or two) is automatically ruining your chances. The eventual Champion has only played in all events 6 out of 16 seasons. However, never has anyone won missing three (tree?) tournaments.
3. Match Play Better - Our Match Play event is set up like "position night" in bowling leagues. Meaning... you're playing against someone next to you in the standings, and it's a great way to get some separation. The 100 points for winning a match are almost a necessity to get your name on the Cup. Only twice in league history has the season Champion lost their match (three times they didn't attend the event).
4. Release the Sand - Champions Katie, Casey and Darren dropped their handicap indexes 4.5, 1.5 and 2.0 during their respective Championship seasons in 2017 and 2018. They were trash at the beginning, and figured out how to improve along the way. Unfortunately, this tip is of no use to Melberg and his 6 handicap.
5. Give Less - There's no data we can use to support this theory... but not many people win events in my group. This could be because I'm really annoying. But it's more likely that I'm stingy with "gimmies." If only ONE person in the group says you have to putt... then you have to putt. The trick is to loudly announce it as soon as the ball stops rolling. I'd say I'm concerned with protecting the field, but every extra stroke your opponents take can lead to increased points for yourself. Or increased pitchers of beer after the round. Basically, I enjoy metaphorically brewing my own pitchers of Bud Light, at the expense of your shitty putting. Gary might have 5 Championships by now if he wasn't so generous.

Hopefully this seasons' Champion can look back and credit this post for their success.

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Other News:

- The forecast for Sunday looks terrible. However, it's not cold-front related so the accuracy is suspect. If the radar looks bad, your Board members will vote on what to do early Sunday morning (8am-ish). Our track record for rainouts is actually quite amazing. I can only think of four times we've had to quit mid-round (Northdale 2013, Lex Oaks 2014, Pebble Creek 2017, Grasslands 2019). So plan to play until you get a text from us telling you to stay home.

- Random Pairings will be live on twitter (@fortbrookegc) at 9pm tonight. I think. If you don't use that platform... you really aren't missing out.

- Later this week we're going to go into a deep dive in the Mike vs. Darryl rivalry. Specifically, the struggle of a 50+ year old man to beat his 90+ year old father straight-up.

The Moc - Preview

Tampa has to have one of the worst collection of courses in any major metropolitan area. They're all varying degrees of terrible, caused by less-than-ideal soil, lazy design, and club mismanagement.

Sure, we could drive over an hour and pay $80-$150 for "better" courses. But the travel would get really old, really quickly — even for those of us without young families and annoyed WAGs. It's also fiscally irresponsible, especially when so many of our members have applied for SBA loans.

Fun fact: If you played in every event during our 16 seasons, you'd have spent $6,027 in greens fees alone.

So being a man of the people, and a beacon of light to the masses, I spend a lot of time in the off-season looking for good deals and new experiences. The Groves (par 3 course which Tall Mike uses as an ATM) was a decent find. I think people mostly liked Huntington Hills. Big Cypress will hopefully find its way onto our schedule. We might play Skyview in The Rapture this year. Pasadena and Vinoy Club are good, but getting us out there will be a challenge.

Some places are duds, but the effort was made in the last 12 months to verify: Timber Greens, Seven Springs, Meadow Oaks, Plantation on Crystal River, Twisted Oaks...

Which brings us to Sunday's selection: Moccasin Wallow.

When I stumbled upon this course, I was extremely confused how something I've never heard of (with decent online ratings) had slipped past my radar. It didn't take long to realize this was a re-branding of the dumpster fire that was Imperial Lakewoods, located near the dumpster fire that is Buffalo Creek.

Apparently a retired PGA Tour caddie purchased the course, and is in the process of a complete overhaul. They made it "private*" and spent a bunch of money creating greens that didn't suck. They added some fancy point-of-sale system so the starter uses an iPad to manage groups. And they slapped paint (literally and metaphorically) on everything else to cover up the shit stains.

*"private" as in they will charge you $1 to become a member. I still can't wrap my head around the purpose of this transaction. Maybe it has something to do with classification within Manatee County's codes?

The only time I played it, the greens were nice and impressively fast. I didn't spend too much time in the fairways. And the rough was more dirt due to the overgrowth of oak trees that need to be removed. Basically, the normal shit you'd see at most places we play.

But the layout — despite being designed by my boy Ted McAnlis who created Waterlefe — ranged from forgettable to mind-blowing difficult.

The 9th hole — a 525 (from the whites) par 5 that wraps around a lake with a postage-stamp green containing a buried elephant — is one of the dumbest things I've ever played. I can't wait for you all to experience it.

A handful of holes on the back nine reach the level of Wentworth frustration. Beyond the mismanagement of tree over-growth... I have no idea how this course was built next to a retirement community. What were they thinking?!

You may remember I like to over-exaggerate things in order to manipulate your expectations. But consider this: I played a round there with Faz, Reid and Danny. We shot 90, 97, 100, and 108 respectively in dry, windy weather. Replace that with rain this weekend, and this will become the experience 2020 demands.

Things to Note:
- Get there early to check in. I'm giving them your names so it should go quicker. They do have a range as well.
- We are allowed to bring booze this week since they aren't selling any.
- I'll run the random pairing generator soon. Maybe I'll go live on Twitter to document it (probably not).
- Everyone is on the WHITE tees unless you tell me otherwise. The scorecard below will show you distances. Use the event page on this blog to see the different slopes/ratings if you want to calculate your course handicap from different tees.

Week 1 - Booked

After striking out with about 12 different courses (many due to the Shanghai Sniffles)... all while attempting to balance special requests and making sure we weren’t playing somewhere that had freshly punched greens...

We are booked at 10:30am at Moccasin Wallow. It’s a course that is going to destroy the league, and I apologize in advance. But... a decision needed to be made and I didn’t want to keep waiting on lazy pros who can’t return my phone calls.

They have a grill going outside, but since the bar is closed there is no booze. HOWEVER... the owner told me we could bring our own.

Cost is like $35.

I’ll have more about this course later, but update your RSVPs if something changed. They want our names so they can check us in quicker.

RSVP

Handful of people need to fill it out. The rest of you need to keep it updated!

I'll be making some calls to courses soon.

Ahem...

No one:

Me:

Summer 2020 Schedule

Schedule is posted. RSVP link is reset. Go fill it out.

Also... check the "Club Dues" link in the Deadbeat List section. Nine of you owe dues this summer, which is highlighted red under "Summer Owed." Send in your payments now!

I'll work on booking the first week soon. Anyone got requests for me to ignore??

Tentative Start Date

June 7th.

I'll update the full schedule soon, but this should give us enough time to see how the re-opening of the state plays out... especially post-Memorial Day weekend — which I imagine is going to be a media-driven shit-show.

I'm not going to build in many (if any) bye-weeks. It'll be a quick season that we'll need to knock out as soon as possible so we can make plans for the Rapture. Or avoid the "2nd wave." Or hurricanes.

Hopefully most of us can and will attend. Stay tuned for more info.

For Entertainment Purposes Only

In this long and lonely offseason, I thought we might need some more #content for the blog. Remember when we thought the Hep from dirty kitchens was going to be what took the league down? Turns out it was the Rona from Wuhan. Like Busta Rhymes, it has us all in check.

He tried to warn us back in 1996.

Now that Katie got a bone thrown to her with the board (myself included) voting her right back in after playing in only one tournament last season, she's pretty pumped up about her chances of winning this summer (see: her comment on one of the recent posts). I quickly scoffed at her bravado because not only does she not show up to events, but when she does, she kind of sucks. She has only one top 3 finish in her last 15 events to go with 9 finishes outside the top 10. Maybe the beating Casey's team put on her in the Rapture of '18 has destroyed her game as she hasn't finished better than 9th place in any tournament since then. Either way, it doesn't seem likely that she'll come storming back to win anything of note this season.

I got to thinking about how that shouldn't just be a comment to be thrown away into the wind, but that my "hot take" that Katie has sucked for two years also shouldn't be a standalone post. Therefore, I decided that the best thing to do was handicap the entire league. No, I'm not going to call Tanya and get the number of a couple good batsmen, but I am going to post some odds for club members to win the season championship. These are for entertainment purposes only. Don't bother asking if I'll take any bets on here, because I won't. I'm about as bad at gambling as I am at golf. You know what, though, if you want to bet on me to win, I'll take all those bets. 

Here. We. Go.

The New Guy: Melberg (Even)

New people either have a great advantage or they suck for a while. Melberg's handicap doesn't seem inflated like Katie's was, but I'm not believing he isn't sandbagging until he proves it. I bet he has two good pitchers this season and wins going away. 

The artist formerly known as Big John (2:1)

Since he learned to play without the spare tire, he's been on fire. He finished second to Moostie last summer after singlehandledly blowing up the pitcher curve that spring. He followed that up with a hard fought season title this spring despite missing two tournaments. And somehow his handicap now is the same as it was to start the year. How is that even possible? There is some question as to where his focus is, however, having casually mentioned renouncing the BGR during his championship celebration. Maybe he can't deal with the hype?

The Sober Duo: Adam and Troy (3:1)

These two have been sneaking in a win or two a season based on opponent's hangovers alone. One of them keeps up with or paces the big hitters in the league when he's on and the other will scramble a course to death, but both have been showing up and playing well. Both have cut their handicaps by about a stroke this year, but Adam can still go low on tough courses and Troy will be in play on the short ones.

 Brown Gypsy Magic: Chandler and Gary (5:1)

They both play in pretty much every tournament, and one stays off the losing streaks with a solid, blind-draw while the other wields the power of the dark arts to keep his ball in play. Gary hasn't finished outside of the top 6 in season standings since 2016 and is at his peak handicap in the last 365 days. Chandler won last spring and he's probably just a couple "scores" from getting his handicap back to sandbagging win range. Stock up on red balls if you're playing against either of them to guard against this Brown Magic. You know there's no way this could only come from his mom's side.

The Relatively Good Golfers: Faz and Dave (8:1)

These guys often look like Tiger and Jack compared to some of the foursomes they end up in (Dave more than Faz), but that's why we net this thing. Faz is making sure to tell Chandler about rounds of golf he's allegedly playing and his handicap has spiked in recent weeks. Crazy how it's coinciding with the possible start of a new season. Dave isn't as limber as he used to be, but maybe this time off and his discovery of low calorie malt beverages might have him in shape for a run at a championship that has eluded him for the better part of a decade.

The Old Dads: Geoff (25:1), Casey (12:1), and Reid (20:1)

They all have different odds, but they each had two top 2 finishes last season and they're all 40+ and all have young kids. When you get on a theme kick, this type of stuff happens. The advanced age dads are still able to show up to most of the events, with two of them boasting perfect attendance in the spring. None of the three have missed more than three tournaments in the previous two seasons combined, and all three were within a punchers chance of winning late last season. Geoff has an ancient title that maybe shouldn't count to go with his super high handicap right now, while Casey boasts a fresher title won when the club had more than 8 people showing up for most events. Reid has been kept out of the champions dinner, but not because of any nationalistic tendencies from the league. After all, we've had one foreigner win three times before. Gorecki will have a different category.

The Younger Dad's Group: Moostie (30:1), Brendan (30:1), Buchert (30:1), and Dub (50:1)

This is definitely not Gorecki's category, either. These guy's manage to make golf league as much of a priority as they can, but young children at home make it tough. If these guys could show up for all the events, maybe they'd have a better shot, but they averaged 6 between them last season and it probably isn't going to go higher this summer. The last time any of them showed up to more than 7 events, one of them won the league title. That's a deceptive stat because only one of them has won anything of note in the league with Moostie winning thrice. Buchert put up a valiant effort once, but you really have to show up to more than 4 events to win the season title. I'm sure Brendan's daughter is great, but his first born, the papoose, is feeling awfully neglected these days. As for me? Why are my odds so high despite only winning twice in 6 years? Because I'm due, dammit.

The Reverse Sandbagger: Hauch (I'm now pronouncing it "How" because "How is his handicap that low?") (50:1)

Until he takes the advice from most of the league and starts reporting high scores during the offseason, he's not going to really compete for a title. Maybe there's a good golfer hidden somewhere in there, but he doesn't show up for most events.

Flirty Thirties: Danny (75:1) and Gorecki (100:1)

These guys bump up against that 30 stroke handicap sometimes, so they'll pull off a win here or there because of strokes alone. Beyond that, we don't see much hope in either of them winning a season title any time soon. Attendance is too spotty and the league would revolt if Gorecki started winning enough to go to the champions dinner. I, for one, would love to see Gorecki at Bern's for the champions dinner. I would then start a non-champions dinner at Red Dog that I'm sure would take a bite out of the dessert room crowd at the very least. I wrote all this before Danny started shooting in the mid-90's. I also see he's not reporting any scores this offseason. I'm gonna need to see some rounds posted soon, especially after he made a comment to Casey about just not reporting good scores on Saturday.

Allegedly Going to Show Up: Katie (100:1)

I'm glad she's excited about coming back and talking shit about winning. I won't believe it til I see it, though. 

Not Pictured: Darren

He's shown up to enough events to miss the whole spring season and remain eligible. The Rona delay might allow him back for the start of the season, but he's old and frail so I don't think he'll be able to play the whole time. Plus, all the smoking makes him more susceptible to this virus than most of the rest of the league, so an optimistic prediction is that he won't be on a ventilator between now and his next round of golf.

Looking forward to a possible season starting up in May. Avoid the clap.