Group of Death - Brought to you by the BGR

There has long been talk of posting an "anonymous" poll and having everyone put together their "Group of Death." This idea has been repeatedly shot down as there were fears of feelings being hurt. At the BGR we acknowledge that at some point we may have to go into a program, and if we make it to Step 9 we will apologize for your hurt feelings at that point. For now we are going to go ahead and rain down some hellfire and damnation and see if a little social shaming might make a difference.

The official FBGC definition of "Group of Death" is the slowest foursome you could put together — or the three golfers you could be paired with that would make you consider pulling a last minute "Gorecki" and bail to avoid. We realize pace of play is not the only defining characteristic of most golfers, but it has a hell of an impact. We have defined 4 categories that determine a person/group's pace of play and scientifically assigned each of our Members a score of 1 (fastest) to 5 (slowest). Just like golf you want you want to have the lowest average score to be considered a speedy player in our book.

Before we dig into results, lets take a moment to define each of these categories:

Quality of Golf - This is purely based on your handicap. 5-10 is a 1, 10-15 a 2, etc. Some may argue this does not matter, but the fact is a bad golfer is simply slower (it's science). Based on this reasoning a 25+ handicapper can at best be a 2 which would put you in the top third of golfers in the Club.

Pre/Post Shot Dick Around Time - This is everything from the moment you get up to your ball until you are ready start your practice swings, and the time after the shot until you are ready to proceed. We took into account things like: how long it takes you to determine a distance and select a club (playing with your app, grabbing your laser, determining impact of wind, etc.), how long it takes you to read a putt, and what you do after the shot as far as throwing clubs, cleaning clubs, putting down sand, etc.

Time Over Ball - This is on a scale of 1 to Tall Mike. We are taking into account practice swings, time you actually stare at the ball once it is addressed, and all the other nonsense including partial pull backs, stepping off the ball to go to your safe place, and the dreaded complete restart of the process.

Situational Awareness - This is probably the most subjective of our scientific variables, but it has been analyzed closely. This is the catch-all for all other sins you might commit on the golf course to ruin the pace of play. We will have some specific examples for everyone but to give you a general feel of what we are talking about here are some of the most common offenses: four people in carts with no one getting ready even if you are waiting, searching for balls that are clearly long gone for excessive amounts of time, leaving someone with a cart or taking a walkabout when one of you needs a club, not helping playing partners look for balls, ball hawking when you are the slow group, knowing you are the slow group and not giving a shit... you get the picture. A big part of our situational awareness factor is not necessarily that you are slow, but that you slow the entire group.

We're not going to take a lot of time to pat the fast players on the back, but we will be sure to bring up all short comings for the bottom half of the list.

Rease - Would probably be most peoples pick as one of the fastest Club members. If he was just a better golfer, he would have a perfect score. He doesn't really take practice swings. He walks up to chips and hits them. If it doesn't work out, guess what, he goes and hits it again. We're not sure he knows how to read a green, so he tends to just shrug off the 3 putts. He did have an impressive club toss at Southern Hills, but that was the first we know to be reported.

Buchert - The only wild card here is if somehow "Weekend Buchert" makes it out of the cage. When that happens the situational awareness and the quality of golf can go out the window. He takes a little bit of time to analyze the shot and get the right club, but generally he just steps up and hits it once he has his weapon of choice.

Ho - This is what we would generally call a fast golfer. His biggest ding is the situational awareness factor. When you check into the HoTell, you either wait it out in the lobby or curtly demand to speak to a manager so you can proceed. Being more aware of what's going on around you so you're not interrupting your playing partners is generally considered helpful.

Melberg - We haven't had time to really form a strong opinion, but based on early reports, he is all about business on the course. We gave him above average ratings across the board on the intangibles, and will be sure to put him on blast should he be found wanting.

Faz - This is a man who loves using a rangefinder app, and can be known to pull a bit of grass to check the wind. When it comes to chip time, he needs a few extra practice swings (sometimes a few extra actual swings) and is fastidious about cleaning clubs and dropping sand into divots (a true purist!). We have no issues with any of this as he moves around the course in an overall above average pace. That is... despite the occasional tantrum involving club slams, tosses and Tourettes.

Big John - His fastest days are when he shoots over 100. He stops giving a shit about the score and just re-tees his 3rd drive, blasts it into the neighborhood again, and rides the hole out chugging a Bud Heavy. On his better days he takes some practice swings and grinds out some putts. John is quick to the teebox, but even quicker to finish a hole (while everyone else is still playing) so he can fill the foursomes drink order with the cart lady.

Chandler - While he does like to grind it out with the app, he tends to be quick to the tee box. His swing speed is so slow he rarely sends one offline far enough to require a search party. He admittedly takes too much time reading and standing over putts. But the worst thing he does to kill the pace of play is causing people to stop and contemplate whatever bullshit Gypsy luck they just witnessed.

Troy - There is probably no one on the list that is faster when it comes to addressing and hitting the ball. He's hurt by his handicap which has been dropping precipitously since joining league. On the situational awareness front we'll say he is rather excitable, which might be noticeable by Members with excellent hearing. Sometimes he is guilty of hitting a bad shot from 200 out and taking half his bag with him on the walk to the green which can leave a partner stranded with the cart.

JW - Ever since the anger management classes, his post shot routine has been toned down from a few snapped shafts a round to an "Oh come on!" He now has technology (a "laser") in the bag which has enabled him to simply pull up and go. He does like to mentally prepare himself for whatever might come off the club face, but we understand it is part of his process. He loses a point for situational awareness due to his constant need to visit the Cart Girl at every opportunity. It may not be directly his fault, but sometimes those girls are slower (mentally and physically) than Gary driving on the interstate. It's also good to note that JW seems to be drastically lowering his handicap, which will help him in the next version of these rankings.

Darren - Not a lot to say about the Baron. He definitely likes a practice swing, but nothing too out of the ordinary. His biggest detractor is he simply won't try and find his own distances. "Hey man, can you laser this?" is basically on repeat when you're playing with Darren. This slows him down in the current one-person-per-cart-era. He also received a slight downgrade to his situational awareness due to randomly driving off to find a bathroom at least once per round. It's especially painful when he doesn't know where the nearest bathroom is located (see: World Woods).

Brendan - His golf has been steadily improving so this initial ranking is better than had we evaluated a year ago. He has become the ultimate gadget-guy on the course with the papoose, a laser, a GPS app, an aptly named "tall boy" speaker, etc. Brendan stands over putts a bit longer than average and needs extra practice swings for his 6 iron chips, but he's never going to be the guy holding back your group.

Adam - Adam, Darren, and Brendan could all be lumped into the same commentary, but we want everyone to get a little spotlight. Adam's extracurriculars are probably what slow him up the most, but once again it's never egregious. Except for his toke-cough. We can't explain why he sounds like a middle-schooler who just tried the wacky tobacky for the first time. You may find yourself slowed just out of pure concern for his health.

Reid - The biggest thing hurting Reid are his walkabouts. Sometimes he just takes off without a club, forcing partners to negotiate their next shot (or multiple shots) before attempting to get Reid whatever he needs. Our definition of "situational awareness" first developed in Scotland when Reid would walk out in front of someone about to hit so he could scope out his next shot. John did officially remove him from his personal "Group of Death" after a pleasant round at Southern Hills, so expect Reid to improve in the next rankings. Reid also likes to hunt for balls beyond the USGA 3-minute limit. Not just his balls... but everyone's balls. We somewhat consider this a wash, since the time he slows the group trying to save himself a stroke is balanced out by the time he helps his equally optimistic partners.

Geoff - Geoff is hurt most by his permanent 23-ish handicap. There's not much to dwell on outside of his impressively consistent bad golf. He is one of the chattier folks on the course, but rarely does he interrupt another person's shot or hold anyone other than himself up. If you have to be paired with someone who is probably going to shoot 100+, Geoff is your guy.

Gary - Absolutely must review his app prior to any shot beyond a putt or a chip. And usually that app is giving him wrong numbers. Even if you give him a laser reading, he'll still pull his glasses to the end of his nose and stare at the screen for 30 seconds before he's ready to go. His situational awareness factor is directly related to his inability to track a ball in flight. It also doesn't help that he has zero idea where a ball goes based on the feel of the swing and contact of the clubface. Not a big deal if he's paired with players that help track and hunt, but unfortunately that is not generally the case in our Club. Long story short... Gary is hurt by all of us.

Dave - He's the absolute worst about being ready when it's his turn. He often plays the back tees by himself and he needs about 5 minutes at any tee box before he is ready to hit. He is usually snacking on some vegetarian item before even attempting to look at his app. And Dave stands over the ball for a solid 15 seconds prior to swaying back into that weird swing that perplexes us all. It's hard to argue with his method based on his skill, but if Dave was a 25+ handicap he might find himself at the bottom of this list.

Danny -  He's currently our worst golfer (by handicap), but there are a few other areas to address. The biggest thing that comes to mind is he's simply too polite. We should all be playing ready golf, but Danny will address his ball, practice swing, and then look around to see if anyone is near their ball. If so, he'll step off and tell them to go first. A true gentleman, but not conducive to quick play. He also tends to be a "multiple practice swing" guy, desperately trying to get his feels right. There's opportunity ahead for Danny if he practices on the range, and not on the course. He could also get that handicap in the low-20s with better course management... but we're not expecting miracles here.

Katie - The fastest thing about Katie last season was that she showed up to one event. During her absence, she married a PGA teaching professional, who has somehow given her better instruction than her father (also a PGA teaching professional). Nobody in the Club is more coached than Katie, and her recently reported rounds indicate that she's even starting to play like a pro! Unfortunately, those guys are embarrassingly slow. We long for the time when Katie sucked at golf, but was quick about it. Now she stands over the ball longer than Dave as she goes through a mental checklist of every instructional tip known to man. If anything doesn't feel right, she needs to back off and restart the process. We're genuinely happy she's improving, but slow is slow. Pull the trigger, Katie Na!

Gorecki - Our Dear Leader has already pointed out some of his biggest issues. Groecki simply doesn't have much of a natural swing. That's fine, but needing to re-engineer every time you step up to the ball with a jerk, a sway, a cleaning, a whatever else he does is maddening to watch. Range time is the prescription for this 25+ handicapper. Knowing that he's easily rattled should cause him to try to play faster, not slower — especially on putts. Less thought and more feel would help him immensely, but instead we watch in horror as he waits until his "turn" to even look at the break. And when he putts it to just beyond "gimmie zone," he's obsessed with marking and going through his "routine." Ironically, nobody misses more 2-footers than Gorecki, and yet he continues to grind over them. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over, and expecting a different result. Gorecki will always be slow until he untethers himself from his mental crutches.

Tall Mike - Everyone knew this was coming. He stated after Grasslands that he intentionally slows down if you ask him to speed up. Club Rule #14 says: "Don't be a dick," and this is what dicks do. They selfishly create issues for an entire course of people just so they can somehow be vindicated as the slowest golfer ever while not being "told what to do." This BGR reporter is against putting Tall Mike in the last group. Instead he should go out first and the entire FBGC should suffer the same pain as the rest of the golf course behind us.

I'm just waiting for the day where the Group of Death (which will include Tall Mike and Gorecki for sure) is forced to skip a hole and they are unable to complete a round. Maybe that will wake some folks up. I might even be willing to call in some complaints to the clubhouse just to prove a point.