Can Big John Save Us?

When this week started, I was really excited about Sunday.  I read Dear Leader’s post about spicy fairways and thought to myself, I don’t think I’ve ever had a spicy fairway before.  I like Mexican, Thai and Indian cuisine, so it has to be good, right?  I actually had to do a quick look through the Epstein files on the DOJ website to make sure I wasn’t about to break any laws.  I didn’t know if spicy was actually a code word that would lead to great public shame and embarrassment in a few years.  My search didn’t come up with anything, so I think we’re in the clear there.

What really got me excited though was reading at the bottom of the post that there are only 12 people signed up for Hunters Green.  I clicked on the link and realized there are only 9 Members are currently registered to play for the second major of the season.  That list includes Dear Leader but does not include the season points leader and our greatest club champion of all time, Tall Mike.  I realized this season is far from over.  I thought Tall Mike had it locked up with his 750+ point lead.  However, things can get really interesting if Dear Leader can win his match against Tall Mike on Sunday.  He would then go into the 2^nd major with incredible odds to add a bunch of season points given the extremely small field.  

It is plausible that Dear Leader could pass Tall Mike in the season standings in just the next two events.  What is better than that?  The two most accomplished golfers in league history battling it out for true GOAT status.  It’s like if Tiger and Jack actually got to battle it out head to head.

However, my excitement quickly subsided.  (Feel free to insert your own inappropriate joke here about excitement subsiding too quickly.)

I realized that if I had figured this out, with my smooth brain, that Dear Leader and Tall Mike probably thought of this as soon as they finished their delicious post round meals / beers at Countryway.  They will have had two full weeks to think about this coming Sunday and how important the result will be for the season and for their place in league history.  In other words, Tall Mike and Dear Leader are about to play the slowest round imaginable.  

If Tall Mike practices his take away 16 times on a 120 yard approach shot on Hole 15 of a tournament where he is in 8^th place, imagine what he is going to do this Sunday where every single shot matters.  I am picturing in my head all of those videos of pro golfers using AimPoint for a two foot putt…multiplied by a factor of 10.

Meanwhile, I am also afraid that Dear Leader may actually become paralyzed during the match in the event that his incredibly powerful brain short circuits from trying to analyze all of the point scenarios in real time while also greatly overthinking his course management. When our Dear Leader decides to lay up on a par 3 and then collapses under the pressure of the weight of the decision to chip or putt from 25 yards out because there is a bunker in his peripheral vision… I won’t be shocked.

I resigned myself to the fact that we are about to experience the slowest, most grueling round of golf in League history.  

But then I realized, there is one man who can save us.  I know what you’re your thinking:  nobody can get through to Tall Mike AND Dear Leader.  You would have to have the ability to influence the behavior of both a stubborn mule and an all-powerful dictator.  Nobody has that skill set.  However, if there is one man that was placed on earth to deal with a situation like this, it is Big John.  God gave us Big John for this moment.  We must put our trust in him to save us from five hours of purgatory.  I believe he can do it.  I believe he WILL do it.  He will shout at Tall Mike.  He will massage Dear Leader’s ego to keep his brain functioning.  We will finish our rounds in under 5 hours.  I believe this to be true because I believe in Big John.