Boozer's Golf Review - Southern Hills Update

Southern hills is one of the staples of the FBGC season. From what we at the BGR are hearing it may become a once a year event from here on out based on the takings from Gary and his progeny, our dear leader. This is a course that should rate highly but due to various offenses over the years has never made it past 2/3's of a 6er. The biggest issue the BGR is staring down at the moment is that we get taken up to this slightly above average boozing venue twice a year to get great service at the grille, which is currently closed, strong yet annoying service from the former cart girl, who believes the Florida gator football team somehow saved her friend’s life at Shands (before that was a girl who got mauled by a pit bull, Brooksville am I right), and a pretty strong golf course, which was less that desirable according to Mr. Po-ta-dough head today. One of our BGR boys paid just ahead of our dear leader today and heard him getting the “legacy rate” while the rest of us peons pay full boat. Perhaps this authoritarian regime needs to be put in check by us boozers. 

You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning

Southern Hills has always been a semi-private course so rest assured that you can buy booze before 11am. That is of course assuming the grille isn't closed and the upstairs is open...they weren't at 10am.

Thrifty boozing

We do appreciate the fact that SoHilly prints gratuity not “service charge” on the receipt so you know where the extra 20% is going. We don’t appreciate that it is not made very clear there is grat included (we’ve paid $25 for a 6er a few times out there). We will give them props for taking the Euro style of charging in that they say it’s $20 for a 6er and it sure enough is $20 all in. If they were tall boys, not twelvers, they would be on the mark but 33% less beer is 33% less beer. 

On course service

The aforementioned gators fan either has COVID and was unable to make it or moved on to bigger and better things. Regardless, the new, quiet yet cute, beer angel (we do not endorse the term “beer b*tch”) proceeded to sit on hole 1 for all five groups to pass and then did not make another on course appearance until hole 17 for group A. This is frankly unacceptable. Haven last week stocked the bar as requested, saw us on hole one, and then proceeded to check in every 4-5 holes, while covering three 9s. Let’s just say we are less than impressed. 

Clubhouse Experience

The grille has been great the last few times out, but us drunkards were forced to the upstairs on this Father’s Day. The upstairs patio was nice, but the railing interferes with any view you have of the course. Rumor has it that some members took it upon themselves to buy high tops to see over the railing, but we didn't get one of those tables. Service was great up there, though, and the food was solid. No pitchers, so 4 pints had to suffice for those of us who sucked a little too much.

Pissability 

We always get a kick out of rolling off of 14 and seeing the signs that say “this is the last stop before the clubhouse please respect our neighbors.” They have added a new one after 15, or our booze addled minds noticed for the first time, that says “please respect our neighbors and wait till the clubhouse.” I think the signs speak for themselves. Old misses pee pee watcher is out on this course and will report any sightings of Pygmy white/brown/black snakes.

Rumored to be actual footage from the course

Overall

Southern Hills is probably the closest thing we have to a home course, but the boozer's are ready to see that change. They are getting a downgrade to 3 beer status. I think their previous 4 beers was based more on the course and the frequency with which we went to Brooksville but no more. There is a COVID factor that comes into play here, but when you stack it up side by side with the 5 beer Countryside it loses in every category. Less beer for the money, terrible cart girl, and only one bathroom per side with too many Karen's looking to get you in trouble. Tempted to knock it down to a two, but the did let the papoose in and they will always serve early.

Grasslands Scorecard

Everyone is on WHITE (Katie on RED) unless you tell me otherwise. See scorecard below. Look on the event page to see the slope/ratings.

We're currently FULL for this weekend.

Week 2 - Summer 2020 Recap

What a weird day.

We were told the conditions at Southern Hills were good... and they weren't. Casey looked unbeatable... until he wasn't. The cart girl held a lot of promise... until she decided to not do her job.

At least most of us shot under the temperature.

Casey's 35 (gross) on the front nine was a thing of beauty. He played solid all day, despite a few late three-putts and untimely double bogeys. He probably should have won.

But when Tall Mike posts an 83, which beats his previous personal best at that course by 6 strokes, there's really nothing anyone can do about it. Excellent round by a three-time league Champion.

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This week is the Hangover, and John set us up out at Grasslands. It's later than we usually play (11:36am), but that's part of playing private clubs. Everyone owes John $42 when you arrive. Don't bother checking in, he will handle everything for us.

He's also going to be booking us at a bowling alley the night before. Troy approached me with the idea awhile ago and it's a good one. Check on the blog for details, and bring some hand sanitizer. Bring some money to gamble as well.

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Next week is the last round that will count for the 2020 Rapture qualification. You'll see on the current standings we have exactly 16 people qualified. Buchert will be back on the list assuming he plays on Sunday. Danny is also going to drop OFF the list since he's unfortunately has been banned for the next week.

So I expect the alternate list (based on rounds played and then average points) to be: Danny, Darren, Katie, Melberg.

I thought the captains were set, but they aren't. John is dropping off a Major victory (tied w/ Gary), which could take him out of the top two if he puts up a goose egg. Our Rapture captains will be some combination of John, Tall Mike, and Casey.

More details to come later this week.

Week 2 - Preview and Anal-ysis

For the first Major of the year, we'll be playing in the Bird Sanctuary known as Southern Hills. While you may notice a birdie or two out on the course, the real excitement is an albatross lives somewhere on property. Maybe you'll see him.

So majestic.

Anyway, we have five groups again. First tee time is 10:10am. Cost is $65ish.

Random pairings this week. We'll do that live tonight at 8pm on the Twitter. Again, those of you who don't use that service are NOT missing out on anything. Just the validation that it is (or at least "appears") random. We do have some special requests this week that I reluctantly granted.

Outside of that... it's Southern Hills. You know what to expect. This will be our 16th event at this course, which is ranked on the "fun" end of the spectrum. With the new handicap calculation, the winning score is usually -4 (net).

Historically, Darren and Dave play this course the best, with a -1.5 and -1.0 net average. JW, Ho, and Gorecki are the worst with +4.7, +7.0 and +7.3 net averages.

Using -4 (net) as a baseline — Melberg, Chandler, Dave and Faz all need to shoot in the 70s. So get them out of here. Ho and Gary need 80s, and we just mentioned Ho sucks at this course. So he's gone. Gary will probably be near the top with a low-80s round but not a winner this week.

Gorecki needs a 96, which would put us at DEFCON-2. His lowest recorded league round out there is 100. I'm not counting it out, but the blood will be on the hands of whoever is in his group and let him shoot under 100. Katie, Geoff and Brendan did a terrible job last week protecting our future.

So from the rest of you scrubs not mentioned, I like Brendan, Tall Mike, and Troy, who can reach -4 with an 87, 86, and 89 respectively. Although... none of them have ever recorded scores in league play that low on Southern Hills.

See you out there.

Boozer's Golf Review - Countryside Update

League is back, despite the attempts of COVID and weekend rain, we got week 2 in on what was generally a really nice day. In true BGR style JW, Big John, Faz and Melberg proceeded to get a practice round in on Saturday with the BGR members turning it into an all-day bender that ended with one of us sleeping on the steps and the other one of us having to surrender some of the power. Countryside was originally reviewed in Volume 15 and had retained its 5 beer rating coming into the day.

You can’t drink all day if you don’t start early

Due to COVID hours, the ability to buy booze in the clubhouse before the round and get a nice breakfast sammy was not available. However, Haven was up and running right off the bat we were able to purchase the first 6 pack and a couple of mules after just the first hole.

On-course Service

Haven is by far the most superior beer angel that God has released to his beloved boozers. On Saturday she said she thought she was out of mules in the can. I offered to pick some up and she said she would be happy to ice and serve them for us. Due to the aforementioned bender this did not occur, but she persevered and found an extra case in the back so we were stocked first thing in the morning. She was also nice enough to extend the 20% member's discount to our group.

Thrifty Boozing Conditions

One of the reasons Countryside has been rated so well is that they only charge $20 for a 6 pack of tall boys. That deal is still in place and with Haven extending the discount it may be one of the best deals around.

Clubhouse Experience

Once again COVID has reduced the amount of staff that the clubhouse can have working at any given time so the service was a little spotty but overall I think they did the best they could with the tools they had.

Pissability

There are bathrooms every few holes still, but the ability to visit nature when it calls is really next to 0

Overall

Coutryside is going to retain its rating. Would probably be a 4 if not for the COVID adjustment factor, but when that is taken into account it retains a high 5 status. I'm not sure it will ever be able to push over the top due to pissability, but if anyone can overcome that short coming Haven and Countryside would be my pick.

Sunday - Full

Sunday is officially full. Danny McCovid didn't change his RSVP so... I guess he's an alternate in case anyone bails? Hopefully he wasn't planning on playing.

2020 Rapture Dates

Does anyone who is actually going to qualify in the top 16 spots have an issue with the following weekends?

September 18th - 20th

September 25th - 27th

Now... before you Gator fans tell me about a home game vs. South Alabama and/or an away game vs. Tennessee...

And before you FSU fans tell me that you're going to be relevant with a home game against Samford and an away game vs. Boise State...

Let me remind you that I'm not scheduling around college football, beyond starting my search for houses during those dud weekend match-ups. Especially with the entire upcoming season in doubt.

The amount I care about any of you skipping because of college football, is the same amount Adam cares about Gary making a putt to possibly WIN THE CHAMPIONSHIP:

I care... this much.

So if you have any issues with the dates, put them in the comments and I will judge you accordingly.

Week 2 - RSVP

Crum and Hamilton are taking Buchert and Katie's spots. That gives us two spots open, with two members undecided.

At this point, those spots are going to be first come, first served... and I think Brendan needed one of them? Better get on it boys! Make your needs and desires known in the comments!

Week 1 - Summer 2020 Recap

What if I told you...

A man spent the majority of his life attempting to step out of the shadow cast by his adoptive father, only to be routinely pulled back into the safety of an aging paternal bosom?

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While the Carter Administration was dealing with with the Iran Hostage Crisis, a lesser known hostage situation was forming in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. There, twin brothers were born to members of the Ho-Chunk Nation.

Understanding that names could drastically affect individual futures, their father — Chief Joseph — wanted them be more relatable to the settlement of white man slowly encroaching the reservation. So he named them both "Michael," adding the suffix of "Ho" and "Chunk" to preserve their heritage.

Michael-Ho was a quirky child, fond of eating highly-corrosive poisonous plants that stunted his growth. It would be discovered later that his favorite blend of cow parsnip and wood nettles also caused him to age at a much slower rate than his brother.

Michael-Chunk, on the other hand, developed a devastatingly bad case of infant-osteoporosis (his condition would later inspire the movie "Benjamin Button"). Unable to partake in most tribe activities due to his brittle bones, "Chunk" (as he was ironically referred to) spent his days stumbling around the reservation, swiping at rocks with a stick. He invented a game where he would see how many times he could hit a rock before it eventually — and almost always accidentally — found its way into a gopher hole.

He would recall in his memoir, written at age 15:

"The more hits, the better! I was really good at my game. Nobody knew what I was doing, but I discovered if my stick hit the ground before it hit the rock, the rock wouldn't go very far. I called it 'The Chunk Shot.' I loved watching the rock barely move, safe from ever rolling into a gopher hole. I hate holes."

Life for both Michaels seemed routine, until the day forever referred to by Chief Joseph's family as "Serendipitous Sunday."

While slapping his rocks into a stream ("Water good, holes bad!" according to the rules of his game), Michael-Chunk encountered a white man who lived in the nearby woods. The man was a loner, actively dodging any and all American drafts. It was an obsession for the man, who became addicted to draft-evasion when he successfully avoided the Frano-Prussian War of 1870. Over time, his hatred of drafts evolved. He especially disliked the NBA draft, and its nonsensical lottery system that rewards late-season tanking. The Ho-Chunk Nation knew of this man, and simply referred to him as "Darryl."

Darryl — ever the opportunist — realized that if he had a son of his own, he could share the special memories of his past life, while making new special memories in the future. Perhaps, rinsing rocks in streams and lakes would be special? The young native boy seemed to enjoy it. Darryl decided it was time to permanently move out of the woods, and he was going to do so with a son. Even if that son wasn't his, and physically looked the same age as Darryl (albeit much smaller).

So Darryl kidnapped little Michael-Chunk.

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Chief Joseph was devastated for a few days. But he called off the search party once he realized how much money he was saving with one less mouth to feed. Not to mention the annoyance of having to find new rocks for Chunk to hit after losing his previous batch to the stream.

Joseph was also very close to saving enough cash to purchase his first casino. Chunks disappearance was the first domino to fall in realizing his dreams. With a newfound excitement and determination, Joseph sold his other son, Michael-Ho, to a traveling veterinary clinic which was headed to Florida. He was never heard from again.

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Despite losing contact with his biological family, Michael-Chunk was seemingly unaffected by the change in lifestyle. He was considered unproductive and weak by his former tribe, but now found himself looked upon as an "elder" in the world of the white man. Everywhere he went he was given discounts. Men in town, who were the same age as Michael, dropped what they were doing to help him cross the street.

Michael began to feel like he was the most important human on the planet. A feeling confirmed when he was legally adopted by Darryl, and his suffix was replaced with the surname "Gorecki" — which loosely translates to "Only Person that Matters."

Upon learning of Michael's favorite stick-rock game, Darryl introduced him to the game of golf. But Michael had a difficult time adjusting to the rules. Mainly, he struggled with the idea you wanted the ball to go in the hole in the fewest possible strokes. It just didn't seem natural. But he loved his new father, and desperately wanted to impress him.

For the next 50-60 years (official records are unclear how old Michael and Darryl actually are), the son attempted to beat his father on the links. Darryl tried his best to give Michael swing tips. He even explained that you could always fluff up the lie to make the ball easier to hit. Or maybe move your ball closer to the hole with your thumb when you are marking it on the green.

But Darryl failed to impart the most crucial advice in the game of golf: "hit the ball before you hit the ground." And Mike's struggles continued.

That is... until one sunny day in 2012 at Legacy Golf Club in Lakewood Ranch. Standing over a 4 foot, slightly downhill putt, Mike had a chance to beat Darryl — for the first time ever.

He was a nervous wreck, and it didn't help that Geoff was so bored from watching slow-play he unconsciously kept shaking the flagstick, forcing Mike to back off the ball and restart his routine:

Stare at the ground as if you are reading the break. Extend the arms. Jerk the shaft a few times. Look up to the sky... and then the hole... and then the ground again... my god, I really hate holes. What if this putt goes in? Will my dad love me more? Or less? Would it be better to tie? Why are there four people standing in the fairway with their hands on their hips? That's a very odd pre-shot routine. Jerk the shaft one more time. Stand over the ball. Stare at it. Quickly glance at the hole again. Fucking holes. They're everywhere and this ball shouldn't have to go into one. Start the backstroke... QUICK STABBY FOLLOW THROUGH!

And the ball rolled into the hole. Mike had finally beaten his dad, with a score of 100 to 101.

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The victory was bittersweet. It took half a century to accomplish the feat, but even Michael knew winning with a triple-digit score wasn't "good." Nevertheless, he allowed Chandler to put the scorecard on his fridge, hoping his wife would see it and forgive him for smoking cigars in the house while she was out of town (she didn't).

An urban legend was formed which said Michael never again defeated his dad on the golf course. Through our extensive research, we were able to compare every round from both players recorded by the prestigious Fort Brooke Golfers Club:

The floodgate of victories never opened up for Michael, but it's at least a Urinary Incontinence level of success. Slowly, and randomly, leaking out over time. Darryl will always be the superior Gorecki. Michael will never surpass his dad in golfing ability.

And yet... this is the man who beat all of us (net) on Sunday at Countryside.

See you all next week.

Week 2 - RSVP

Week 2 is Fathers Day.

We currently have 20 spots booked, with 16 people marked as IN. We also have a couple of guests that want to play.

So... update your RSVPs so Gary can attempt to book a 6th tee time (if needed). Any ???s will be booted from the event if we aren't able to secure another time.

Week 1 - Skins Game Analysis

A reminder that the Skins portion is per your group. It's $1 per skin with carryover, and anything tied after 18 reverts to whoever won the FIRST skin of the day.

Countryside has three nines, so the FRONT nine are the odd handicapped holes, and the BACK nine will be the evens. The most anyone is getting in a group is 5, so it shouldn't be that difficult to dot your cards. The 80% handicap allowance numbers can be found on the detailed scorecard on this blog (look at the bottom right where it says "Net").

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We've played this routing of Countryside three times in club history. Adjusted for the new course handicap formula, the winning score has been -2, -4, and -2. Not necessarily a easy fun course. Let's say that a net of 69 (nice!) is going to be the magic number.

Mike Ho had a victory and 2nd place finish in the first two events. But then he shot a 95 (net!) our last time out there, so it's difficult to pick him to win. If he does, he can now easily tell us all about it through group-text!

Melberg needs a 76 from the Blue tees, and Chandler a 78 from the White tees to shoot -3 (net)... so we're out. That course isn't going to give up any sub-80s. Avoiding Pitcher Zone will be my main focus.

Gorecki only needs to shoot a 98 — which you'd think would make him the favorite — but his three rounds out there were 109, 110, and 106. He won't be a threat as long as Brendan keeps an eye on Mike's ball fluffing and limits the gimmies.

So who do I like to be near the top? I'll give you three names:

1) Katie - I believe she married her golf instructor, so her game could be pretty strong. The few scores she's reported lately have been really good, and she only needs a 95 to finish -3 (net).

2) Geoff - Also needs a 95 to finish -3 (net). Somehow, he's never played an official event at Countryside. I've found it can be easy to go low on courses you haven't seen.

3) Reid - Anything below 86 might get him the victory. He's gone 87, 89, 97 out there... so the trend isn't good. He usually blows-up early at Countryside, so making no worse than a bogey on the first three holes is key.

The rest of you will probably all owe pitchers. See you out there.

The "New" Week 1

We're booked at Countryside (Lake/Pine) at 9:00am next Sunday, June 14th. Rate should be $45. Casey says there might not be a cart girl depending on how busy the tee sheet is. But the bar and restaurant will be open at 10am, so we can get food after the round and drinks at the turn.

Greens were punched last week, so expect them to be a little bumpy. Any sanding they did would have been washed out with all the rain this weekend... which would delay the healing process.

Our season schedule has been tweaked and updated. You'll need to edit your RSVP to add the new final week.

No random pairings this week, as we'll form groups for Skins Games based on handicaps.

Everyone is on the WHITE tees, unless you tell me you'd like to move back. Do that in those comments below!

Week 1 Cancelled

Casey is going to try to get us on Countryside next week. Will post when we have details.

How to Win a Championship

It's been over a year and a half since we added a new member to the Club. So as our only 4x Champion, here are my keys to victory which might help Melberg this season... or any of you other fools who can't seem to force your way into the Champions Dinner.

Hey... you get the #content you deserve when I'm the only one making posts!

1. Start Your Own League - This is the easiest path to victory. Just take the 6 or so shitty golfers you hang out with, and put together a season. Only pick courses you excel at, and be sure to make rules that will give you an unfair, but undetectable, advantage. You'll be sitting alone at the Champions Dinner before you know it.
2. Show Up - You can't rack up points if you don't play. With only 18 official events per year, you should set the expectations with the WAGs early (and re-calibrate often). But don't think missing a tournament (or two) is automatically ruining your chances. The eventual Champion has only played in all events 6 out of 16 seasons. However, never has anyone won missing three (tree?) tournaments.
3. Match Play Better - Our Match Play event is set up like "position night" in bowling leagues. Meaning... you're playing against someone next to you in the standings, and it's a great way to get some separation. The 100 points for winning a match are almost a necessity to get your name on the Cup. Only twice in league history has the season Champion lost their match (three times they didn't attend the event).
4. Release the Sand - Champions Katie, Casey and Darren dropped their handicap indexes 4.5, 1.5 and 2.0 during their respective Championship seasons in 2017 and 2018. They were trash at the beginning, and figured out how to improve along the way. Unfortunately, this tip is of no use to Melberg and his 6 handicap.
5. Give Less - There's no data we can use to support this theory... but not many people win events in my group. This could be because I'm really annoying. But it's more likely that I'm stingy with "gimmies." If only ONE person in the group says you have to putt... then you have to putt. The trick is to loudly announce it as soon as the ball stops rolling. I'd say I'm concerned with protecting the field, but every extra stroke your opponents take can lead to increased points for yourself. Or increased pitchers of beer after the round. Basically, I enjoy metaphorically brewing my own pitchers of Bud Light, at the expense of your shitty putting. Gary might have 5 Championships by now if he wasn't so generous.

Hopefully this seasons' Champion can look back and credit this post for their success.

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Other News:

- The forecast for Sunday looks terrible. However, it's not cold-front related so the accuracy is suspect. If the radar looks bad, your Board members will vote on what to do early Sunday morning (8am-ish). Our track record for rainouts is actually quite amazing. I can only think of four times we've had to quit mid-round (Northdale 2013, Lex Oaks 2014, Pebble Creek 2017, Grasslands 2019). So plan to play until you get a text from us telling you to stay home.

- Random Pairings will be live on twitter (@fortbrookegc) at 9pm tonight. I think. If you don't use that platform... you really aren't missing out.

- Later this week we're going to go into a deep dive in the Mike vs. Darryl rivalry. Specifically, the struggle of a 50+ year old man to beat his 90+ year old father straight-up.

The Moc - Preview

Tampa has to have one of the worst collection of courses in any major metropolitan area. They're all varying degrees of terrible, caused by less-than-ideal soil, lazy design, and club mismanagement.

Sure, we could drive over an hour and pay $80-$150 for "better" courses. But the travel would get really old, really quickly — even for those of us without young families and annoyed WAGs. It's also fiscally irresponsible, especially when so many of our members have applied for SBA loans.

Fun fact: If you played in every event during our 16 seasons, you'd have spent $6,027 in greens fees alone.

So being a man of the people, and a beacon of light to the masses, I spend a lot of time in the off-season looking for good deals and new experiences. The Groves (par 3 course which Tall Mike uses as an ATM) was a decent find. I think people mostly liked Huntington Hills. Big Cypress will hopefully find its way onto our schedule. We might play Skyview in The Rapture this year. Pasadena and Vinoy Club are good, but getting us out there will be a challenge.

Some places are duds, but the effort was made in the last 12 months to verify: Timber Greens, Seven Springs, Meadow Oaks, Plantation on Crystal River, Twisted Oaks...

Which brings us to Sunday's selection: Moccasin Wallow.

When I stumbled upon this course, I was extremely confused how something I've never heard of (with decent online ratings) had slipped past my radar. It didn't take long to realize this was a re-branding of the dumpster fire that was Imperial Lakewoods, located near the dumpster fire that is Buffalo Creek.

Apparently a retired PGA Tour caddie purchased the course, and is in the process of a complete overhaul. They made it "private*" and spent a bunch of money creating greens that didn't suck. They added some fancy point-of-sale system so the starter uses an iPad to manage groups. And they slapped paint (literally and metaphorically) on everything else to cover up the shit stains.

*"private" as in they will charge you $1 to become a member. I still can't wrap my head around the purpose of this transaction. Maybe it has something to do with classification within Manatee County's codes?

The only time I played it, the greens were nice and impressively fast. I didn't spend too much time in the fairways. And the rough was more dirt due to the overgrowth of oak trees that need to be removed. Basically, the normal shit you'd see at most places we play.

But the layout — despite being designed by my boy Ted McAnlis who created Waterlefe — ranged from forgettable to mind-blowing difficult.

The 9th hole — a 525 (from the whites) par 5 that wraps around a lake with a postage-stamp green containing a buried elephant — is one of the dumbest things I've ever played. I can't wait for you all to experience it.

A handful of holes on the back nine reach the level of Wentworth frustration. Beyond the mismanagement of tree over-growth... I have no idea how this course was built next to a retirement community. What were they thinking?!

You may remember I like to over-exaggerate things in order to manipulate your expectations. But consider this: I played a round there with Faz, Reid and Danny. We shot 90, 97, 100, and 108 respectively in dry, windy weather. Replace that with rain this weekend, and this will become the experience 2020 demands.

Things to Note:
- Get there early to check in. I'm giving them your names so it should go quicker. They do have a range as well.
- We are allowed to bring booze this week since they aren't selling any.
- I'll run the random pairing generator soon. Maybe I'll go live on Twitter to document it (probably not).
- Everyone is on the WHITE tees unless you tell me otherwise. The scorecard below will show you distances. Use the event page on this blog to see the different slopes/ratings if you want to calculate your course handicap from different tees.